The Cell-Phone

[ZachBG]

I'm opening a thread for critique and ABUSE of my mini-movie entry, The Cell-Phone:

 

http://www.hash.com/users/minimovie/cellphone.html

 

Let's be clear here: If you can't say something nice... GOOD. Be brutal, nitpicky, even unconstructive. My only response will be "Thank you, sir, may I have another?"

 

I want to make this thing better, and the only way to do that is to get criticism. So if something bothers you about the film, don't swallow it and worry about hurting my pride. Pretend I'm that third grade teacher you had, who told all your peers "[your name here] just wet his/her pants again, class!" And TAKE YOUR REVENGE.

 

Sharpened blades at the ready... GO!

[luckbat]

I remember my first thought when watching it was...

 

"Man! All those weeks of painstaking animation, and then for the main character he just grabs Shaggy off the CD?"

 

It made the whole exercise seem a little... I dunno, academic.

 

You know what I mean?

[Fishman]

Zach,

You know I love this film. However, the one thing I noticed (but only after it paused and I looked at it as a still) was that Shaggy's wrist was twisted the whole time. I don't know if rolling the forearm would have cleared it. The funny thing is I watched the whole thing the first time and never noticed it.

 

Nit picks - the first scene where he's in the restaurant, I think the people at the other table could have been more exaggerated in their annoyance. I suppose you could have spent more effort making the animation of him signing his name look more like he was spelling out Shaggy.

 

I have to disagree with the selection of your star. Did Spielberg choose Cruise for War of the Worlds because he was lazy, no, he has star power. So does Shaggy!

 

Scott

 

PS: The advisor for my son's middle school morning closed circuit TV show nixed showing it because it had a gun in it and it violated our school's no weapons policy! Talk about absurd, but I guess that is zero tolerance for you!

[Dhar]

This is awsome dude! Bravo

 

Now for the "constructive" crit.:

 

1- The wrist.

2- At the restaurant, the second time the patrons get annoyed looks too much like a repeat of the first time they got annoyed. A variation would be good in the second time, nothing big, maybe have the one on the right place the hand on the lap after looking at shaggy, ya know? Almost as though he's about had it and is thinking about doing something about it. Little stuff.

3- The reaction of the construction worker with the STOP sign could be exaggerated more. Maybe step out into the street turned towards Shaggy and wave a fist.

4- At the end, where we see the newspaper headline, too much shadow has blocked the "No" and "Say" where I couldn't understand what Shaggy was relieved for until I looked at it in still.

[ZachBG]

Thank you, sirs, may I have another?

 

I know I said that would be the only thing I said in this thread, but... I did want to address Mike's comment:

 

I remember my first thought when watching it was...

 

"Man! All those weeks of painstaking animation, and then for the main character he just grabs Shaggy off the CD?"

 

It made the whole exercise seem a little... I dunno, academic.

I can understand your point, but I didn't "just grab" Shaggy--he was an artistic choice, for two reasons:

• as someone said (Nancy, I think?), the story would have been just as effective with stick figures, and I wanted the story to be the focus, not the production design. In fact, if I had thought of doing it with stick figures, I probably would have!
  
• I wanted to prove that one could make a cohesive, stylish animation without modeling anything.
  

The second reason was partly academic, I admit, but was also a neccessity because I only started, in earnest, about three weeks before the deadline. In total, there were only a few things I modeled from scratch (the windows, some of the doors, and the check and pen from the first shot--oh, and the phone itself, I guess). Two models were re-worked from existing ones: I added clothes to Dex for the "Can you hear me now" guy, and I built the Ford Excessive from Alain's pickup truck on the 2005 CD (or was it the Free Models page?). Everything else came from the CD or Free Models page. In some cases I added rigging (mostly to allow the cars' wheels to turn where needed).

 

But back to Shaggy; I also re-rigged him to use the TSM1 rig, which made the animation far less painstaking, and obviously I fiddled with his color for the various other characters.

 

Consider, also, that for the vast majority of viewers, Shaggy isn't "just a CD character"; how would a non-A:M user know from where he comes?

 

BUT! your criticism is valid, and I thank you for it.

 

edit: I fixed a typo.

Edited June 12, 2005 by ZachBG

[Dearmad]

It just so happens I kept a copy of this animation on my HD, so let's have a look...

 

Beyond the details already mentioned above:

 

A little more fluidity in his wrist in the non-cycled actions. Also, inclusion of some finger motion- just general bending, nothing articulated, instead of straight fingers- it distracted me a little.

 

Faster set-up of the Verizon or whoever that is guy; that joke is set up in about the first 15 frames of seeing him for me; the title card slams it home; I had too much time waiting for the punch moment.

 

I'd delete the "Good argh" card, in favor of the visual joke of his phone bouncing. The rhythm seemed a little off there.

 

Shot from behind the "excessive" to where the car swerves out of its way seems a little too long, too much set-up again, the pace could be faster to keep up with the chaos Shaggy's creating.

 

Instead of disappearing, the restaruant patrons should get up and walk away disgusted when the waiter drops the bill on shaggy's table. (Maybe I'm reading that camera angle wrong though)

 

 

 

 

Compliments section (skip if you want):

There is so much that I like about this animation you made, even after viewing it again and again. It just fits together so well. The music, the musical punches, the overall timing and pace, use of shaggy (I told you already there's just something funny about him when you animate him- don't know what), your extremes seem just right, the background character reactions (especially in the restaruant), the jokes are funny without all being on the same level (like how the bank robbery isn't focused on but the verizon guy is), choice of b&w, amount of film noise. Shoot, even the wheel-bounce on the dump truck, man, you worked this thing for light mood!

 

One more specific compliment: The way you seperated the hold-up victim from the robber and bank sign so we have time to be confused and wonder, "WTH is that guy holding up his hands for?" before the reveal, was PERFECT! Clearly you thought about how to time the visual jokes!

[Fishman]

3- The reaction of the construction worker with the STOP sign could be exaggerated more. Maybe step out into the street turned towards Shaggy and wave a fist.

Not to start an argument thread, but I thought the construction guy was hilarious. The whole idea that a big ExcessUV just ripped the stop sign from his hand and all he can do is look at it with bewilderment just about had me on the floor.

 

Scott

[Dearmad]

No, start an argument, we're SUPPOSED to abuse him. And confusion is part of that abuse: I liked the understated reactions as well...

[NancyGormezano]

I've already given you my glowing review - here's my 1 critique (which does speak to design):

 

I thought the film noise was way too regular. I found it distracting at first, & artificial looking - would have perferred way more film graininess to the look, with more irregularity to the artifacts instead of just a vertical line. Loved the concept of adding it, just didn't come off as real enough (Did I say that?)

 

i.e, keep the vertical line, just a little less of it & add a bit more different & intermittent "dust & scratches, broken film, film grain" effects, but not so much to overpower the flick - even just "dirtying up" the captions would help ?.

 

And yes, twas me who said "stick figures"... glad you took it the way I meant it.

 

Like I said - I loved this film.

[Mr. Jaqe]

Well... Um... Hm... Zzzzz... Huh? Oh! Bad stuff! Yeah, eh, I can't really come up with any, as I was too busy laughing.

 

Ok, so I did notice one thing: When the "Can you hear me now?"-dude steps out into the road(this is really more of an opinnion, though) it might be better if you have one "good" route and then he gets hit and then the "ARRRGH!".

[ZachBG]

Good, reasoned critiques all. But not nearly enough of this:

 

 

Come on! Pretend it's CG-Talk!

[luckbat]

Come on! Pretend it's CG-Talk!

This was the worst animation I've ever seen. Motion was "floaty" throughout, with piss-poor timing that ruined most of the so-called "gags." The decision to render the whole thing in black and white was clearly an attempt to cover up the animator's lazy texturing, and the less said about the laughably expressionless "Shaggy," the better. I've seen better animated faces on "Thunderbirds." Overall, a sad, childlike attempt at animation that ran far too long and had nothing to say. The people involved with this animation should be ashamed. I am ashamed of myself for watching it. The entire medium of animation has been diminished by this atrocity, and on behalf of all mankind, I would urge this ZachBG person never to go near a computer again.

 

Pretty decent for a Hash A:M film, though.

[nyahkitty]

Come on! Pretend it's CG-Talk!

 

This was the worst animation I've ever seen. Motion was "floaty" throughout, with piss-poor timing that ruined most of the so-called "gags." The decision to render the whole thing in black and white was clearly an attempt to cover up the animator's lazy texturing, and the less said about the laughably expressionless "Shaggy," the better. I've seen better animated faces on "Thunderbirds." Overall, a sad, childlike attempt at animation that ran far too long and had nothing to say. The people involved with this animation should be ashamed. I am ashamed of myself for watching it. The entire medium of animation has been diminished by this atrocity, and on behalf of all mankind, I would urge this ZachBG person never to go near a computer again.

 

 

 

.......or not.

[KenH]

Too minimalistic. I would have put in more stuff. But I appreciate you were on a time limit.

 

Shaggys voice got on my nerves after a while. Maybe altering the pitch abit might have helped. I wonder whose voice it is?

 

The traffic light layout seems to be fairly random. ie three traffice lights on one junction.

 

The guy looking for a better signal's hand goes through the ground when he lands after being hit by Shaggys car.

 

Wrist twisting.

 

That's as harsh as I can be I swear!

[nyahkitty]

-Now that it has been pointed out, I would say that the wrist does appear twisted and pinched.

 

-When the stop sign is knocked out of the hand of the construction worker, he eventually turns his head. I wonder if it would be in keeping with the style of the show if there was a slight delay and then he quickly turns his head, with this action being accented by zero slope on the keyframes. His mouth could open after he turns his head to look, as this would be a surpised reaction to what he finally notices. Maybe get some slight, zero-sloped shoulder and hip movement in there.

 

-Very nice timing of when the construction worker is introduced and when the car passes him by. Excellent kinematic animation with the traffic cones and road barrier.

 

-Likewise, the restaurant patron sitting to the right of the table in the background could benefit from slightly snappier timing.

 

-Basically, a lot of the timing of motion is snappy and life-like, while there are spots which seem floaty. I did like the floatiness where it is found in the vehicles and tricycle. For some reason, that seems to combine well with when the the vehicle animation is snappy.

 

-It does seem that a little more random film artifacts and making that persistant white scratch line thinner would help the "old film" feel.

 

-The poor fellow with his own cell phone, the guy who got ran over. Yeah, that guy..... the joke works and the animation works. The last bit, "Good-ARRGGGH"... it might do well to cut that last bit of dialogue out in order to maintain the flow of the show.

 

-I really liked how you made dirt come out of the dump truck.

 

-The newspaper at the end of the show had a nice secondary action.

 

-Definitely change the lighting so the audience can read all of the newspaper text.

 

-I think Shaggy's appeal is that he is very much in the style of Jim Henson's Muppets. Their facial expressions don't really change in the normal sense as expected of flesh and blood characters. But their movements are such that they progress the action and the acting to effectively tell the story. This is why Empire Strikes Back Yoda was so convincing (well.....for those who thought he did good in that movie).

 

Overall, well done!

[oakchas]

Zach,

 

I thought it was great! really...

 

If you want me to say something bad.... I would have to rewind, and frame by frame it... Looking for where her panties show as she spins around the lamppost.. oh wait...that was another movie.

 

Seriously... looking at it from a "consumer" standpoint.. I liked it... It would make a great little PSA... Or something "Officer Friendly" could take to schools to show the kids... so they could rag at their folks for using the cel phone in the car... (the best kind of pressure!)

 

Since it's been so long since I used A:M, I'm not qualified to tell you about any technical glitches... I'm just looking at it like a consumer.. One who likes to watch ads on TV if they grab me.. and so on.

 

It was in a format I could view easily... some were not... But I'll figure that out and watch them, too...

 

I particulary like, as a "making of" thing: The fact that you used "off the shelf" characters. That is THE "selling point" of A:M! it really does give the amateur animator hope that he/she can do quality, informative, and fun stuff without huge amounts of effort and with characters already built into the system.

 

Other than that, I could see the shotgun in the room, with the boy, by the window... Was it really necessary to put THAT in there?

 

BTW I did not vote... As I have no expertise

[Rodney]

Drat... I have nothing bad to say.

 

Your animation rocked and you know it.

um... lets see... critiques...

 

What... you couldn't afford color???!

 

I'll look again and see what else you messed up.

 

You need to get this in the hands the cel phone companies and make big bucks!!!

[rossk]

When Shaggy enters the construction zone (and is dialing the voicemail) you show the car bumping up and down as if the car is going over a bad road. In the following scene, which shows the dump truck and Shaggy's approach, the road is perfectly flat and the car is riding completely smoothly.

 

Others have mentioned it, but that shadow partially covering the newspaper headlines at the end needs to be lightened a bit. On my desktop computer I could just makeout "Says", but I didn't even see the ink blotch for "No". Please change this if nothing else.

 

I would really enjoy a making-of video covering how you did the sand (or dirt or something) being dumped from the truck.

 

Anyway, that truly was a great movie. With just a few small changes I could easily see this becoming an internet phenomena.

 

Hopefully this helps with the being harsh thing --

 

[pixelmech]

Zach, I really loved it and voted for it. My only critique doesn't have anything so much to do with you. For whatever reason, Shaggy's rig doesn't perform well IMO. Maybe it needs to be smartskinned or something, I'm too much of a newb to know. So when you animate him, he is not as fluid as he could be. But because of the whole feel of the movie, I don't think it really took anything away.

 

I too couldn't quite read it all at the end, but I got the gist.

 

A well deserved win!

 

EDIT: I see luckbat made a somewhat similar post. I totally understand your reasons for going that direction. Like I said, I didn't see it as a big deal. And I think your point about just jumping in with "stock" material and animating is very valid. That is why there is little else in my movie but 2 characters - and one is a copy of the other!

 

Tom

[luckbat]

As I recall, Yves came up with an ingenious solution to reduce the appearance of wrist twisting in Hash models.

 

He pre-twisted the splines in the forearms of his base model. When the rigged arms are moved out of the T-pose, they untwist quite naturally. I now use the same technique in all my models.

 

Yves' magnificent wireframe is here (warning: not safe for work):

http://www.hash.com/forums/index.php?showt...indpost&p=44804

[Slipin Lizard]

I just have to say that the "can you hear me now?" dude getting smoked by someone driving and on a cell phone was perfect poetic justice and funnier than hell. I think first impressions are what its all about, and it made me laugh, it was really funny. I for one like the minimalist set design and Shaggy's voice. Annoying? That's the whole point!

 

Hey, I think you're motivation is good, but learn and move on rather than go back and try to fix stuff. I used to be in a band, and when we would record in the studio, we really had to learn to just try our best, and learn from mistakes and try not to repeat them in the next one.

 

In every major motion picture out there, there are always things that could have been better. You've done a great job, now start the next project and try to out do yourself.

 

Thanks for making me laugh too!

[nerrazzi]

Good Job!

 

I didn't read all of the comments, but the only thing I saw that would have made it look more like a film from the early 1900's would be the camera shake & sped-up playback that you see common in movies from that era.

 

Other-n-at--- very original idea! 5 stars!

[Will_S]

I thought your film was great, veeeerrrry funny, and loved the staging, sets, and timing. Most of the problems I saw seemed to have more to do with a short production time. That fact that you accomplished a nearly 3 minute piece this good in three weeks is amazing. I'd sure be happy if I could do that.

 

OK, on with the critique:

 

Restaurant scene:

-Stiff unexpressive fingers (actually, that's a problem throughout the film)

-Floaty cell phone hand

-It would be nice to have the other patrons leave in disgust rather than just disappear

 

Walking down the street

-Exaggerate Shaggy's gestures and the pedestrian's avoidance of Shaggy's gestures. It didn't read strongly enough for me and I didn't catch it right away. It might also help to have Shaggy's hand stay closer to his body and have his hand swing out when he's closer to the pedestrian. Right now, it feels like the hand is out there long enough for the other pedestrian to notice and avoid easily. Start him subtly gesturing soon after he walks out the door to help with the anticipation of his broader gestures when he almost decks his fellow pedestrian.

 

I love the action of the car and driver as brakes to avoid Shaggy.

The bank gag works perfect. Maybe have the robber drop his gun hand down more quickly - a bit floaty now - so that he reaches for the dough sooner.

 

Fender bender: Something doesn't quite feel right here in the VW bug's slide -- it doesn't seem snappy enough. Maybe add a dip of the front end as the brakes are applied and the slide begins (like you did at the first intersection). The actual collision works nicely.

 

Parking Garage

-Nice snappy action as Shaggy gets in and takes off.

 

-Good setup and timing of the "Can you hear me now gag?" I like the title cards as you have them and think the final bouncing cell phone is icing on the cake. The first hit and first half on the man's fall (fantastic tumble/spin!) are great. The last half when he stops tumbling and falls straight down doesn't quite work. Maybe pull the tail end of the last rotation into the drop so that he still has some rotation when he hits the ground. There was almost a 1/4 rotation of of his body between the first and second frames of impact that also doesn't mesh with the straight fall.

 

-When he hits the ground, he feels a bit lightweight --maybe because it goes by so fast. His shoulder landing position is quite amusing. Maybe adding a few more frames to that initial impact to allow for his lower abdomen, right leg, and left knee to flex down towards his face a bit more before coming back up. It might give the impact the weight it needs before he unfolds onto his back. When his feet do hit the ground, have his knees dip towards the ground before coming up to their final position. It feels a bit weightless here as well and that might help.

 

Driving oblivious

Love the swerving motorist and bicyclist tumble. That last tumble of the bicycle in the rear window feels like it's hanging in the air just a tad too long but I think that it maybe just needs to rotate a bit more on the tumble so that the bike's front end isn't pointing up during the entire last tumble.

 

The intersection (overhead shot)

The action here feels floaty and needs to be a bit snappier.

 

Road maintenance worker

The car speed and bouncing of the cones, etc. are perfect. The worker's reaction was sluggish and floaty. Maybe a snappy double take when he finally notices the sign is gone from his hand?

 

The dump truck launch

Cool! Cool! Cool!

 

Shaggy in orbit

-Exaggerate the arc of his flight a bit more in the beginning so there more contrast between the beginning of his flight and the end. At the end of the flight, the car does feel like it's heading down but I don't quite feel that it's going up in the beginning.

 

-The landing works nicely. Great parking job. Felt like the bicycle kid anticipates the impact a tad early. Love him sliding down the side of the car.

 

-Like the newspaper headline and ending just the way it is. Maybe a tad snappier in Shaggy's reactions. Love the fact that he is still oblivious to the mayhem he's caused and that his love for his cell phone triumphs all. Plus one of the greatest of screen kisses.

 

A very funny film - sure wish I'd made it. How did you get the shadows to taper off to white like that?

 

Will