Feature Length Screenplay for review.

[jpiazzo]

Hi everyone,

 

Here is a draft for a Animated Feature Screenplay I am working on. I am about to start a new revision so if anyone has the time to read this - I would welcome comments.

HADIS_CURE.pdf

[Rodney]

Joe,

Very impressive!

There are parts of your script that are down right inspired.

Animating it will be quite a task!

 

Personally the imagery I had in my head as I read alternated between the panels of comic books (both Bone* and Japanese anime) as well as sweeping scenes of moody forest and other environs.

 

Your characters are compeling and have very interesting personalities.

 

If I may... there were two areas I thought could use some changes.

For the scene where Bob rescues Bunny and Bear... It might be better to bring the scene up to a cresendo and then just cut away... the viewer would then discover their fate at the same time Hadi and The Child do.

 

Milly's final return.

It is growing on me but something seems missing.

It works as you have it but the great resolutions you've built up to throughout the story fall away at the end and there is a sense of returning full circle rather than completion.

 

I won't insult you with my idea just now but there might be other ways to wrap up the story that also tie up all the various threads and end with all plotlines concluded.

 

As I say... sorry to even suggest that I know your story better than you.

I guess I started to empathise with the characters and the end didn't quite fit for me.

 

Please tell us more about your project and your plans for it!

Please!

 

Rodney

 

*If you aren't familiar with the comic book "Bone" you really should look into it.

Your script has a good feel of environment just like Jeff Smith's world. I must like that as Fone Bone (the main character) is currently my avatar image.

www.boneville.com

[KenH]

I only skimmed through it. But what I saw seemed good.

[jpiazzo]

Hey Rodney,

 

Thanks for such a fast critique - it is all welcome. Feel free to email me anything else at my address (on the cover page).

 

I'm with you on alot of what you said. After I collect some feedback I plan to do another draft. Milly's story is at the top of the list. I think I want to SEE her adventures a bit more, rather than just hear about them. I like your rescue scene idea. Over all building the proper climax at the end, is well what it's all about!

 

Plans??? - I won't post specifics here, because I know that would turn this thread into a "that can, or can't be done" kind of thing. Lets just say that every script dreams of being a movie.

 

JP

[Rodney]

Your story must be a good one because things keep reminding me of it.

Um... just thought I'd mention that.

 

I wanna see the comic book, movie and toys...

Get busy!