contest entry crits

[oakchas]

The theme here, for me, was a sort of political cartoon in CG. It's title is Heaven's City Desk It's purpose was twofold... a tribute to my Uncle, George Murray, and a tribute to the fallen heroes of the "Fourth Estate" from last year. Fourth Estate= Press, and these people died trying to report what was happening in the world to us.

 

I'm looking for crits.

 

This was my heroes contest entry

[attachmentid=13694]

 

Notes: I resized here for space conservation. It was the wrong pic I posted, but it said the "same thing" as the correct one below.

 

 

This is what I meant to post, the differences are subtle, but it is the final.

[attachmentid=13695]

 

Here's what I see wrong:

 

1. I should have better proofed the article in the "paper" (first line says "at last" should have said "at least.")

 

2. The fedora has some distress, but none on the brim.

 

3. the Scene is a desktop... the old metal kind with that funky green linoleum on the top. I don't think my blurry mess conveyed that at all.

 

4. The Newspaper is not textured. and the color is off.

 

5. The sheet of paper below the newsprint has the quote that "established" the (definition of) the "fourth estate" Should that have been more visible, and/or readable?

 

6. The one that was posted to the contest was "flat" without shadows, any kind of lighting or mood, etc.

 

7. As a political cartoon it fails because it requires too much thought, and too much work(reading the article, and knowing what the fourth estate is) to understand.

 

Now, I'm usually my own worst critic, but if you have anything to add, I'd really like to hear it. This is part of a work in progress that has little to do with the press in such a somber way.

 

So hit me with the technical details AND with the untechnical stuff.

 

Thanks,

[pdaley]

Well let's see.

 

This piece was in my top 6, but ultimately I did not vote for it.

 

AM seems to get a lot of these still life images where we've caught a glimpse of someone's desk. I don't say that to clump you into a style, but to point out that there have been some awesome pieces in this style, so there is a really high bar. There is a piece in this style that Vern did that Martin actually used as his desktop wallpaper for a while. People like this style, but as a community we've been groomed to look for detail and maybe some kind of clever joke.

 

You have an uneven amount of detail here. The hat has some well made textures, but is missing any indication that it has ever been worn. No creases, no stains, no asymmetry. I can't say for sure, but I think you were trying to go for realistic, not really 'sort of' realistic. The press pass is pretty neat. It looks more believable that it has been around for a while. Ideas to push it might be a rip or coffee stain. Looks like there is a weird intersection on the right side of the pass where it mights the band though.

 

The newspaper could be improved with more distressing. I don't know about the papers of the era you are representing, but papers these days have that saw tooth cut on the top and bottom of the pages. I would try a cookie cut map and see if that would work. The layout of the text is decent, but there is a subtle difference in your piece and real papers. 1. column width is uniform -and- 2. text is justified, not left aligned.

 

The desk surface needs a lot more work. More or less it is a gray background. Gray is not very compelling. If it's supposed to be some sort of desk, we need more cues that we are looking at a desk: pencils, paperclips, sunflower seed remains...

 

The gray desk compounds a lighting problem. Rather than sitting on top of a desk, even in the new version, the items look like they are floating. The lighting is confusing and generic. One light is casting a hard shadow. Bright lights do this, but your objects don't show any other effects of being under a bright enough light to make a hard shadow. Then there is a softer shadow which starts to connect the hat to the desk, but again seems out of place and somewhat random.

 

Finally, I guess I didn't get the joke. If the joke was further down in the column, then you might consider re-imagining the joke so that a viewer can see the piece and get it more visually. A little reading is ok for the visual arts, but I've found that if someone can't find something to like or otherwise compelling about a piece on first glance, then they will move on.

 

I think you can take this piece where you want to go and I think you should. Take or leave my comments, but I am really just trying to help.

[oakchas]

Thank you, Paul...

 

Your insights and in-depth commentary are very valuable.

 

It was not really a "joke" but a statement.

 

My biggest difficulty lies in "punch." My writing is verbose, my advertisements too "busy," etc. I try to explain too much. The result is that the viewr/reader has to work too hard to get the point.

 

Thank you for your response... it has given me ideas for improvement.

Implementation will be a challenge.

[Pengy]

i don't think there was any difficulty understanding who your "hero" was. i for one thought the image was still a wip. i have to agree that your desk background was hard to see as a desk and it generally had to "new" of a feeling to it. for such a somber topic i also found it to be too brightly lit. what you have is a good idea for a tribute and a good start. some ideas to add that you can take or leave.maybe this is the desk of someone who has lost a colleague. so maybe pic of the two of them together in some war ravaged place. or a passport with stamps from bosnia,iraq etc. in your writing you my try to explain too much,but, visually in this image...not enough

[oakchas]

Hmmm... I'm thinking I've lost the entire story behind the graphic.

 

Let's see if this gives a different take.

 

George was a rewrite man for the American, he passed away along time ago... He is now at the city desk of "Heaven's" newpaper. He has written the story of the journalists killed in action in '05. He has the paper folded to the article on his desk... The "heroes" are the men and women of the press who have lost their lives "getting the story."

 

Now, from my freshened perspective, maybe that's too much of a story to tell in this graphic, possibly in any single graphic. I'd like the graphic to convey the lament over the loss of those "heroes."

 

I'm beginning to think it's too tall an order.

 

I can improve the graphic, that's a lot less of a problem than telling the story (as I envisioned it) with it.

[brainmuffin]

The biggest problem:

 

You don't have enought graphic information to tell the story. The entire story of the image should come across without having to read anything in the paper, except for maybe the headline of the article. A picture above the article would have been a good tool to get the point of the article across. What other things could you have put on the desk to get the story across?

 

 

A good rule of thumb regarding composition: The message of the picture, all the emotional impact of it, should be readily apparent from the thumbnail sized image. All that zooming in should get you is a better look...

[oakchas]

Thanks guys,

 

keep 'em comin'!

 

I'm learning quite a bit here....

Pengy: More stuff on the desk. Stuff that helps tell the story

 

Wizard Muffin:

Yep, the "first page" (figurative) has got to grab 'em.