brainmuffin Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 Here are two of my scripts, one is finished (The Apartment Sketch) And the other (the Juggler) isn't finished yet, but it's very good, I think. Let me know what you think... They're both in Word format right now, but I can convert them if anyone needs it... The_Juggler.doc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brainmuffin Posted July 28, 2005 Author Share Posted July 28, 2005 And the other one... Apartment_Script.doc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OdinsEye2k Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 If you're choosing between the two, I definitely like "Juggler." There's a couple of good moments in there already (like the Taiwan bauble bit), and potential for chemistry between the strange shopkeeper and the kid. The conclusion feels kind of flat for some reason. Maybe there needs to be some realization or something of what the magic balls do. Like he's trying to sit down for TV or something and they won't leave him alone. (Edit) There is the montage you do, but I get a little sense of foreboding, but I don't see Mike really buying into it and then - bam, all of a sudden he's in the crapper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brainmuffin Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Not really looking to choose between them, though I also like the juggler better. But since it involves a lot of complicated juggling scenes, I'd rather not try to do it as my first short. Plus I want to take my time finishing the script, I want it to be perfect. The apartment sketch was an exercise that I did while reading "The Comic Toolbox", and I just thought it was rather funny in a strange sort of way. I'll probably start animating it sometime later this year. It's a good script for an animation, since there's only four characters, one set, and no complicated action to animate. I figure I'll do it in a rather cartoony style, too, making things even easier. It may not be the funniest script, but it's almost tailor made for a beginner animation... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevenar Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Lazlo: You've got a couple of good starts, you just need some polish. In the juggling story, you need to give Mike some sort of goal that good juggling would help him achieve (win a talent contest, impress a girl, whatever) and stretch out the good side of magic juggling balls a little more. As it stands, he really has no motivation that the audience would know about. If we know why he wants to juggle, and what's in it for him if he succeeds, we feel happy for him when he finally gets the magic balls. Then we squirm with him as we find out they're more trouble than they're worth, and stay focused as he finally finds a way to both get rid of them and reach his goal without them. There's all sorts of funny stuff you could try to work in. Perhaps he has to hide his juggling from his boss/girlfriend/VIP by standing in a doorway and juggling them one-handed around the corner, perhaps having to bounce them against a wall, which leads him to come up with some fast story to explain away the thump-thump-thump... All sorts of stuff to try. In the Apartment sketch, there needs to be something minor wrong with the bathroom, too. Just something small to foreshadow bigger problems to come. Perhaps some loose tiles, no medicine cabinet, whatever, it just has to be small and something a person would easily concede if the rest of the deal was good. In a comedy sketch like this, you want to build from minor problems to major ones to keep the audience both laughing and interested to find out "what could go wrong next?" Keep at it! Sevenar's First Rule of Screenwriting: All first drafts suck. There are no exceptions. It's not being able to write that makes you successful, it's being able to re-write that makes all the difference. Good luck! Reece Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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